The beginning of a book I wanted to write

                                                                    
 This is the start of an idea I had for a book. See what you think. 


                                                                  Beginnings

 Dearest reader, I implore you with all that is in me, please stop reading. For you have no idea of what is waiting in the pages ahead. My words, I am sure, ring as melodramatic in your ears. To be truthful, you would not be the first to ascribe such attributes to my meager scratchings. And yet, how can I write any other way? Is it not an extension of who I am? Can I pretend to be something other that what I am? Oh, I have certainly pursued that particular avenue of folly. How often have I strongly desired to be other than what I am? More times than I can number, assuredly. I must reference the all-wise Solomon that this, as in all things, is simply vanity.
You have guessed it correctly by now, I am sure; I have very few friends. Perhaps that is as good of a reason as any to why things unfolded, nay, unraveled the way they have.

Fool! Are you still reading? Do you think I jest? Do I sport with you? How can I accurately convey the urgency of my words! If there was some way you could hear the tone of my voice, see the panic in my blood-stained eyes, perhaps then you would be convinced. Perhaps then you would discard this parchment, or better yet, set it aflame. If there is any justice in the world, this will be the only copy ever made, and you, you alone can stop this before it starts.

Ah, what is the use? There is no way for me to know...yet... if you have continued to read or not. Have any eyes chanced to find these words? How, dear reader, did you happen across my accursed manuscript? Dost thou think that I wanted to write these words? Nay, nay, nay! A thousand times I deny it! Why would I want to perpetuate that which threatens so?

Again, I am sure you take me for a fool as so many have before your witless eyes found this page. Perhaps I am only writing for myself. Mayhaps these are just the ramblings of an idiot, writing for his own purposes. If only it could be so! But it can not be. He would not allow it.

Yes, I know you are reading these words even as I type them. Curse you! I don't care anymore! Kill me as you have threatened so many times. Empty promises to be sure. 

Hmm. So sorry about that dear reader, you just can't understand, and what's more, I don't want you to! Yet I fear that I must offer some explanation or my sanity will be lightly esteemed. I could not be more aware of what I am about to tell you but somehow the reality of it still fills me with surprise and terror. You see, the sad truth is that I am bound to another. It is as hard to explain as it is for you to comprehend. Long ago I ...oh, what is the right word...became entangled...with another. Not emotionally, relationally or even physically; but were it so that the chains were based an such flimsy attachments! The bond is irrevocable, unbreakable. He is ...in me. He sees what I see, knows my every thought, comes just short of controlling me. I despise him for it, but in truth, it is my own fault. No, he is not a god or demon. He is a man, and yet so much more and certainly closer to demon than deity.

I also wish you to know that HE is the one coercing me to pen such a vile tale. For it is HIS tale and none other, although mine has become woven into it's filthy tapestry. Perhaps if you are obtuse enough to continue to read, you will see how I could never have known what was happening before it was far,far too late. Perchance I may even find some form of absolution in your eyes.

Understand dear, foolish reader, he can punish me. Any time. Anywhere. If I displease him, he does something, that causes me to prefer death above all else. How to explain the explosion of pain that thunders through my oversized skull? There are not words adequate... Dost thou think thou knowest pain? Thou art an amateur! Unskilled in what suffering truly is. But I know all too well. Forgive me if I start to rant at him. There are limits to what I can endure, even with all the experience the years of cruelty have deemed to teach me. He is a cruel despicable ...being.

NO, I don't care how you threaten me! You can't make me write these words! I am my own man and I can arrange and create the words that I want to say, not what YOU want me to say.

Ahem. Once again I have been proven wrong, by your strong and merciful hand. Please forgive me for my insistence on freedom of will and thought. Too long ago have we been bound, and by my own choice and words. Fool that I am. 

In truth, dear reader, despite my chastisements (I mean well deserved punishment) I plead you to stop following my words with your eyes. Do not allow these words to penetrate your mind; for fear that you will be dragged into the story as I once was. There is still time for you to escape, to be sure. Maybe you are not the one. Most will read these words and think nothing of it. It will be just another story and you will discard it. Perhaps you may even enjoy it, if such twisted and depraved people actually still walk the Earth. But I know they do. For I am such a man.

Yes, I know. You think I'm mad. Perhaps I am. How can one determine their own madness? As a point of fact, nobody really thinks they are mad, just as no man believes that what HE believes is false. Yet assuredly, not all beliefs can be true. In point, some beliefs are false and some that think they are sane, quite simply, are not. Could I be such a one? Of this I have often thought, despite there being no possibility of a trusted answer. Is that not the way of the human mind? To ponder that which can not be answered? To endlessly ponder and question that which does not have an answer? Can not have an answer? For perhaps the answer would be far too terrifying for it to be true, which often makes it all the more so.

Well. It appears that you and I are along for the ride. You have made it this far, so perhaps you are fated to read this whole tome. I can only pray... I'm sorry again dear reader, but I can't believe I just wrote that! Pray! Me! My what an amusing thought.

Yes, yes, I can hear your laughter. We do not need the link for me to know you are laughing at me. How often have I heard that mocking sound ringing in my ears at the slightest mistake or tremor in my voice? That grating noise that stretches my nerves thin? I am only glad that there is not a way, currently, for me to hear the audible guffaws. 

Once again I must beg your forgiveness, my dearest of readers. I digress by talking to HIM. And yet I must address him when he speaks to me, surely you must realize that? But how could you? Your folly once again rears its ugly face, although in truth it is no match for mine! Hah!

Reader, dear, dear reader, please know that this is not my fault. As I have already stated numerous times... Am I being a bore? Am I repeating myself too often? Oh how I DO hate a bore...I do not want to write these words. Do you see? Whatever happens isn't my fault! If you are the one, the one he intends to read these words, what could I have done to prevent it? What could I have done to stop his nefarious plans? I am nothing but a reed in a hurricane. I have to obey. The consequences are... never mind. You don't want to be bothered by such things. And if I were to speak even half the truth of what would lay in wait for me... He does not suffer the rebellious lightly. If I even began to describe how he expresses his fury, sleep would elude you for many nights, nay weeks, for those of you with weak minds and hearts.

The story must be told. Perhaps it is inevitable. What you read will not be entirely original. You will recognize parts of it as you faintly hear melodies present in other songs. What will be done will be done. Who am I to stand in the way of fate? But how can I absolve myself of my role that I most assuredly play? My hands certainly will not be declared clean, for my role is a chief one.

I have warned you though, haven't I? I told you over and over in this beginning of beginnings to stay away. Nobody can deny that fact. Perhaps I will be partially absolved from this sin; from my participation in his quest. In truth, I can not believe he is allowing me to write what I have. The warnings... the honesty of his intentions...perhaps his hold is weakening? My heart leaps at the thought! Could it be??? Are you no longer watching? As I wrote that, nothing happened!! Hello? This can not be!

Dear reader, fret not! My story will NOT be told! The great tyrant, the hater of men, the destroyer of worlds is... gone? Surely he would not allow me to be so bold with my words! He is far too cruel of a master to allow such freedom! Perhaps I am free?!? How could this be? It is too sweet to be true. I can almost begin to experience the sweet savor of freedom on my tongue. I was a fool to ever think you could always bind me to your will! You are not as powerful as you thought, were you? You are nothing more than an egotistical boaster! You are a fool! If I could write for years I could never begin to tap into the depths of contempt I have for you! Hah! He is gone! Perhaps his rule is somehow over! Rejoice with me dear readerrrrrr

Perhaps I was wrong. You know that was all in jest, correct almighty one? The reader always needs a pinch of levity, don't you think? No, you don't have to prove the link still exists. Yes, you are very clever. Making me think you were gone, absent, to test my loyalty. Yes, I admit I failed your test. It will be eons before I try that again. I mean, your excellency, that I will NEVER try that again. My words are my bond, as always. They are TOO worth more than the excrement of a sow! You can certainly torture me as you do, but you don't have to insult me. I do have feelings. 

Ah, back you dear reader. Forgive my arguing with a voice that you can not hear. Welcome to my nightmare. Read the story ahead with my own caution. The words must be attached to the page as surely as sparks fly upward to the heavens. What happens after can not be placed at my feet. You have been warned.

Essence

How do you feel about who you are? If you have it figured out, if you are very secure on why you are here, what makes you tick, where you are going, who you should be and how to get there, this is not for you. Jump to the next thing, like walking on water or bending steel with your bare hands or rescuing kittens from trees. Seriously, I'm sure there are some out there that have a good handle on all that esoteric stuff. I hate them and envy them.
For I do not fit into that category. I fear all the spaces have already been taken.
When did you first learn that you were not magnificent?
When you examine your life- do you like what you see? Where are you right now? What brought you here? Do you want to be where you are? Do you feel that you have arrived at this place in your life- this destination, and feel like "What the hell happened?"
Do you have a sense of incompleteness?
Do you fear to do a thorough self examination because it will feel like the trip to the doctor's office that you have put off for years? They usually don't have a ton of great info for you , do they? Do you fear the same diagnosis from the most condemning voice of all? Yourself?
I remember being a child. I was lucky and i grew up in a home where I was very loved. Far from perfect- but many essential things were there. In my house I knew I was loved. I felt valued and special. I was told I stood out, that I was a good, smart boy, that I was normal and like able. Then I went to school.
This is when I learned that I was not magnificent.
When did you learn? And for those of you who are (or think they are) why are you still reading? Go away.
For the rest of us, do you feel a sense of quiet desperation deep inside? You know what I'm talking about, or at least some of you do. You feel a sense of incompleteness, a sense of being somehow less than you were supposed to be. And you don't know exactly what that means.
You do not know what you are supposed to be. You can't see what the finished product of "you" is supposed to be or look like. Or perhaps all you can see is the gap, what you lack. That might be so big to you that it obscures whatever you might be or might have been. Perhaps all you know is that you are not what or who you want to be. So, like may of us, you pretend that what you are is who you wanted to be all along. You try to quiet, or even kill, the voice inside of you that says you could  be more- or more damning- that you should have been more.
And yet here you are.
There are other voices that say "who cares?" live your life and do the best you can.
But you can't.
You try. God alone knows how hard you try, but somehow it all falls short. You are left with what you are and in the quiet alone moments you might even despise what you have become.
Others see you and have no clue, do they? You wonder if anyone knows or cares. You wouldn't know how to phrase it even if they did, so what's the point? Maybe this is all life is supposed to be after all.

I don't think so.
I want to help.

I have some thoughts I think just might do that. Especially those of you who are reading this and something about these words have caused a much stronger emotional reaction than you would even like to admit. These questions and words resonates very deeply in you. Actually, this sort of thinking has been invading your thoughts for a long time now. You are still looking for a satisfactory answer, aren't you? It might even be so bad that you aren't totally convinced that you want to continue going forward if this doesn't get resolved.

Who gets to decide who you are? You? Others? Circumstances? Fate? God? Is it random and unknowable? Do you ever feel that you were supposed to be more than what you are? You imagined life being very different than this and you don't know who to blame. Most likely, you blame your "lack" on your self. Or you are a victim. You could have been something- could a been a contenda... If only.

Fill in the blank. You had this dream of what you could have been, what you could have attained, if only...
If only your                        parents                                                    that sickness                                              the accident                   getting fired                               the dead end job                                     the person who betrayed you
the rape                            bad luck                                           choosing the wrong spouse                           wayward kids

and the list goes on and on and on.

When I first went to school, it didn't take long to realize that not everybody felt the same way about me that my family did. Some of the other kids didn't even like me! And I hadn't even done anything to them!
I was basically an average kid. Growing up, this message became even more firmly entrenched in my brain. I had two messages living in me. One was that I was lacking. I didn't measure up. I didn't have what it takes. I was lazy and not that bright. I was annoying and most people just tolerated me.
And then there was the other message. You are loved. You are special. You are supposed to be more... you could be...
But I didn't know how! It was vague and seemed ensconced in shadow. I am still not entirely sure what the end product looks like.
Maybe there isn't one. Maybe we are never finished growing and learning and becoming.

I have seen the enemy and they are us

It is easy to notice, and quite often recounted, how Jesus treated the Pharisees. Preachers take great delight in the passages of scripture where Jesus takes these "sons of hell" to task. Have you ever read Matthew 23? It's brutal. Jesus completely blasts the Pharisees. It's ugly and mean. But the Pharisees are the villains of the New Testament, aren't they? If the Gospel stories were set in the early 1900's, the Pharisees would all have black handlebar mustaches and they would twirl the ends ominously while cackling under their breaths. Yes, they are undoubtedly the bad guys here and we absolutely love it when the bad guys get what's coming to them, don't we?
This is the ending to most movies we watch. Good guy triumphs over unimaginable odds. The antagonist ends up without the girl, with mud on his face, alone in the cold, or in every action movie- dead in a very violent and creative way. And we cheer! Yes! That slimy son of a ..... finally got what he had coming to him!

 You get a feel of that reading Matthew 23. All through out the Gospels the Pharisees have stood in Jesus' way. He has tried to heal people when he wasn't supposed to. He talks to the wrong people. He touches the wrong people. He parties with sinners and tax collectors.
The Pharisees try and trap Jesus with words, thinking they are more clever than he. They talk down to him. Halfway through the Gospels we are more than ready for these arrogant, self-righteous morons to get what's coming to them! And does Jesus deliver...
Sons of hell? Really? Do you remember (or do you know) who these people were?? They were the leaders of the Jewish community! They had tremendous influence over the entire culture. They were not considered villains by many- or probably most- people in their day. They were the pastors and priests for the people. This nobody- this son of a carpenter (who it is quite well known is a bastard) dares go up against this crowd?
Some backstory...
The Jews had been conquered by the Romans long before Jesus came around. In the history of the Jewish people, they had been conquered and exiled numerous times before the Romans had their shot at them. And they were always a big thorn in their tormentors side. I have a brother in law who is Jewish, so I can kinda see how that works.
Whenever this happened, the Jews always run back to their God to save them. Except this time he doesn't seem to be answering. It has been hundreds of years since God had sent a prophet to talk to his people, to rescue them, or to at least tell them what to do so they can be free again. The priests were the ones who held the fabric of the Jewish community together. Probably more than any other tribe, the Jews were mainly identified by the God they served. They were unique in the ancient world- there was one God who ruled them all. One God to find them... sorry, couldn't resist.
The priests/Pharisees were the heroes of the day. Not the villains. By and large, up until now, they were the good guys! They were the ones fighting and arguing against the hated Romans. They were the ones that were going to tell the people how to appease God so that they could once again experience the freedom they had been promised! The people looked UP to the Pharisees. Without their God, the Jewish people would have been nothing. They would have ceased to exist. The priests and Pharisees were the ones holding the nation together!They were not widely considered villains. They were respected, listened to and feared.

Since God hadn't spoken in so long, the Pharisees concluded that his people had made him angry. And they had, truthfully. In the mind of the Pharisee, the solution to this was simple- do what their God had told them to do. Easy. So they memorized the entire Old Testament. Word by word. This is all they knew to do and there is certainly some logic to it. So they memorized the message he had given them. They studied what their ancestors thought and said about it. They argued about it. They developed different schools of thought. I'm glad we don't do that anymore! How silly. But I digress.
The Pharisees decided the people had to follow all the rules to please God. And since God was sooooo angry, they didn't want to take a chance that people could break the rules. So they made rules to protect the rules. And then they made rules to protect the people from breaking the rules that would get to close to breaking the rules that God had set eons before. The same rules that they had broken that had gotten them into their mess in the first place. Only it wasn't working.

And in walks Jesus.
The Jewish nation had gotten so far off course, so lost from the original intent of God's message, that an ordinary prophet wouldn't do. The answer was, of course, that God sent himself. In the form of his son.
Jesus wasn't even a public figure for 3 full years, and he doesn't waste any time. He quickly starts turning everything upside down. He insists they have got it all wrong. He claims that they are sons of hell!
He insults them at every turn.
Jesus has picked the wrong group to take on. They have power. They can make very bad things happen to Jesus, and they do. Jesus knows this and does everything he can to get them to kill him. He goads them and insults them until they feel they have no other choice.

Side note- can you imagine how the disciples felt listening to him blast the Pharisees and willfully disobeying???

Where are the Pharisees today? Do they exist? Most Christians seem to think so. In the past they would have been praised and exalted, now it's an term used to insult. We know there are big rule followers out there and we are sure glad it isn't our church. Or is it?
If Jesus came today, whose tables would he overthrow? Whom would he whip? Whom would he have harsh words for? Whom would he consider to be a "son of hell" or a "white washed tomb"? Weeeellll, if history is any indication, it would be the religious leaders. The ones telling us how to live our lives to make God happy. The ones laying down rules for us to obey...
NO! (You may say) That can't be! I respect and look up to them... They tell us how to draw close to God... I don't want him to be angry with me...

And to be fair, many of them do tell us how to draw closer to God. And many of them are history repeating itself.
Man has a tendency to drift apart from God. Some don't care about this distance, but many do. So we try and find our way back to God- to get back in his favor. And rules are just easier than faith.
 I find it very amusing that we think we are so different, so enlightened. Yes, it is true that we have the teachings of Jesus and his example, and that is huge. But are we really so different?
There is an arrogance to our age that seems to think we have the perfect revelation of the Word. Finally, we have it figured out.
I heard this from someone the other day: "The Bible is easy! You just do what it says and you go to heaven! Otherwise you go to hell! A sip of wine is sin! Just like if you drink a lot. Sin is sin."

We like to play with the things of God. We take the portions we are comfortable with and build a belief system around it. And don't you dare question that structure! Sadly, much of our construct is made of half truths and scripture taken out of context. The construct cannot be questioned seriously, for to do so is to question the authority of the people who built it- although these same people, and the ones who uphold it- would tell you that God built it that way.
True- there is usually truth mixed in. But the truth is often like a gold veneer. It is thin and insubstantial and has far less value than you might imagine. It has been spread so thin that it is almost not there at all.

We scorn and brand "heretic" any who dare question our sacred constructs. Just like they did to Jesus.
There are Pharisees around, but thank God they aren't us.