a conversation
by David Tiesma on Thursday, July 12, 2012 at 7:51pm ·
Me
How long have you been divorced?
Anynomous friend
He left 4 years ago. Divorced for 3 years. Why?
Me
Do you ever miss being married?
AF (anyonomous friend abbreviated for those of you who didn't follow)
Terribly. But not really to him. That wasn't healthy for me. But I miss being with a husband. Being lonely stinks.
Me
I agree. I don't think I am meant to be alone. I just don't like it. I miss being married to who was my best friend.
AF
I agree. When it was good it was that. Having that person who knew me completely. Who really saw me. Sigh.
Me
I know. It was great. But maybe I needed it too much.
AF
Never say that
Me
In some ways I think she replaced God in my life. In some ways she was my god. And God removes idols.
AF
That feels familiar actually. Need to have things ordered right. I'm sorry. I hadn't thought about iy like that before.
Me
No need to be sorry. Part of my problem is that I take the question every man has "Do I have what it takes?" to the woman in my life. It is a burden that no woman can fully carry. It puts too much pressure on the relationship. The woman wants to provide the answer but instinctively knows they can't and feels frustrated by this. It can feel like a drain, like they are never enough.
Anynomous friend
Ah. The reason that i apologized was that I said never say that in a flip way, because I misunderstood what you were saying. As to what you are saying, Do you mean that you want to be someone's everything and that actually that isn't possible, because only God can really be that?
Or that you need her to be your everything? Or both?
Me
sort of. I think we misunderstand the nature of romantic relationships. You certainly have heard the phrase "You complete me". I do not think that is entirely possible for another human to do for someone else. We can only be completed by God. A great romantic relationship is one in which you push, or pull or entice the other to be the best version of themselves. The person God had in mind when he created you. The other person gets glimpses of who that is, sees it a little, probably feels it more instinctively more than anything else. And wants that, wants the other person to be MORE like that. The relationship should be about increasing each other's hunger for authenticity, which always leads to holiness. To God.
AF
That resonates with me. I think that when I wish for someone to "see me" or to "know me" I really mean that they could see a glimpse of who I am meant to be. And I would want to see the same in that person. That beauty. oh...
Me
It is a difficult thing to attain, mainly because we get so distracted by other things, by...life. And because it is hard work. It is much easier to just go through life while tackling what is in front of you. Trying to bring out the best in someone else is tricky. They might not agree with what you think is best, they my think they are fine they way they are and resist all change. It requires a lot of patience and observation. One must not give up when the essence of the other seems, hmm, slippery, tough to pin down and identify. There must be an awareness, looking for this. But not making it too intense. it can't be a constant interrogation or ruthless examination. It has to be more free flowing, by time spent together, by rubbing up against each other, yes, including physically, emotionally and experientially. To gaze into the very soul of another and not flinching by what you find, not judging it. To see the raw fabric and substance of what makes up another person is the adventure of a lifetime. It takes a great deal of trust to entrust that to somebody else. For they could surely crush you if they desired. They hold a very, THE most dear part of you in their hands...I guess this is why divorce can hurt so much. The other person has spent so much time with you, knows you so well, has SEEN and UNDERSTOOD a portion of who you are... and rejected it. This is why it is so dangerous to have your spouse be the ONLY person who knows you that well, the key is to put all that you really are in the hands of your creator. To hear his words "This is very good" when he looks at the YOU he created, and to receive those words and let them resonate within you.
AF
So very true. And that rejection is so incredibly painful. And for me, it really made me doubt that there was anything in me that was worthy of love. The most painful thing was that he no longer saw me, or wanted to see me. My healing has been a long and heartbreaking process. Still going on... but the only true healing has come when I try to see myself through Christ's eyes. To know that he is my true completion. It does feel terribly frightening to dare to expose myself like that to another person. But I want that.
Me
So do I.
