The world sets in to making us what the world would like us to be, and because we have to survive after all, we try to make ourselves into something that we hope the world will like better than it apparently did the selves we originally were. That is the story of all our lives, needless to say, and in the process of living out that story, the original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us hardly end up living out of it at all. Instead, we live out all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world's weather. (Telling Secrets) Frederick Buechner
If you grew up in a fairly healthy home, you were celebrated as a child. You were loved on and made to feel that you were special, that you mattered. And you believed this, to some extent. Why wouldn't you? Parents are like gods to their children. They let us know what behavior gets applauded, what is disapproved of. They are smarter and stronger than we are. The parents seem invincible and all knowing. (at least until you hit 10-14)And then you go to school. Suddenly and rather shockingly, you become exposed to a whole new group of people. Up to this point, 95% of the people you interact with are determined largely by your parents. Now they can't shelter you. You come face to face with people who choose not to like you,...for almost no reason at all. The warm cocoon of home is slowly ripped away. The original self, which was so accepted at home, and loved- now isn't enough. This is where most of us learn to hide. We all need and must have some level of acceptance in order to survive. So we start to craft a persona that will be acceptable to those whom we admire and respect. We start hiding. And very often, the real you gets hidden away. Have you ever been cleaning your house, going through old stuff, and you find something you haven't seen in years? And you think to yourself- "I didn't even realize I still had this!" You know you should throw it away, but for some reason you just aren't able to? Or maybe you do throw it out, but for some reason you feel vaguely guilty? Our true selves can be like that. They can be so hidden, so pushed aside, so neglected that we lose touch with them. And then something happens- a family tragedy- a moving sermon or speech or even movie- a touching song- going to a funeral visitation- causes you to do some self-inventory. And going through the chaos that seems to make up most of our lives, we find hints, clues to our true self. Maybe we examine that for a second or two. Usually we stuff it back away, not knowing what to do with it. Unable to completely throw it away. But we have grown so comfortable with our created sense of self that we now believe that it truly is who we are. But we don't understand why we feel so hollow so much of the time. We wonder why we crave incessant entertainment and distraction. We hear people talking about dreams and desires and discover that truly- if we are being honest- we are just trying to survive. Trying to avoid having our hearts ripped out again. But if we could discover who we really are. If allowed ourselves to dream and desire again...
You have to be intentional to find the original self. It takes time. You have to be wiling to have conversations and think about it. You have to be willing to be vulnerable. And many people just aren't willing to go there. It is too painful. They would rather wrestle with the demons they know than confront what has become the unknown, but was once known very well. I think people are afraid that if they DID do some of this hard work, they would be disappointed with what they would find. But if they could connect with their true identity, their true essence, they would find out why they were supposed to exist in the first place. They would start to unravel their purpose. And when that happens, I believe you really start ot live. You become fully alive. And then you discover that during this process, God is supremely pleased with you.
