Essence

How do you feel about who you are? If you have it figured out, if you are very secure on why you are here, what makes you tick, where you are going, who you should be and how to get there, this is not for you. Jump to the next thing, like walking on water or bending steel with your bare hands or rescuing kittens from trees. Seriously, I'm sure there are some out there that have a good handle on all that esoteric stuff. I hate them and envy them.
For I do not fit into that category. I fear all the spaces have already been taken.
When did you first learn that you were not magnificent?
When you examine your life- do you like what you see? Where are you right now? What brought you here? Do you want to be where you are? Do you feel that you have arrived at this place in your life- this destination, and feel like "What the hell happened?"
Do you have a sense of incompleteness?
Do you fear to do a thorough self examination because it will feel like the trip to the doctor's office that you have put off for years? They usually don't have a ton of great info for you , do they? Do you fear the same diagnosis from the most condemning voice of all? Yourself?
I remember being a child. I was lucky and i grew up in a home where I was very loved. Far from perfect- but many essential things were there. In my house I knew I was loved. I felt valued and special. I was told I stood out, that I was a good, smart boy, that I was normal and like able. Then I went to school.
This is when I learned that I was not magnificent.
When did you learn? And for those of you who are (or think they are) why are you still reading? Go away.
For the rest of us, do you feel a sense of quiet desperation deep inside? You know what I'm talking about, or at least some of you do. You feel a sense of incompleteness, a sense of being somehow less than you were supposed to be. And you don't know exactly what that means.
You do not know what you are supposed to be. You can't see what the finished product of "you" is supposed to be or look like. Or perhaps all you can see is the gap, what you lack. That might be so big to you that it obscures whatever you might be or might have been. Perhaps all you know is that you are not what or who you want to be. So, like may of us, you pretend that what you are is who you wanted to be all along. You try to quiet, or even kill, the voice inside of you that says you could  be more- or more damning- that you should have been more.
And yet here you are.
There are other voices that say "who cares?" live your life and do the best you can.
But you can't.
You try. God alone knows how hard you try, but somehow it all falls short. You are left with what you are and in the quiet alone moments you might even despise what you have become.
Others see you and have no clue, do they? You wonder if anyone knows or cares. You wouldn't know how to phrase it even if they did, so what's the point? Maybe this is all life is supposed to be after all.

I don't think so.
I want to help.

I have some thoughts I think just might do that. Especially those of you who are reading this and something about these words have caused a much stronger emotional reaction than you would even like to admit. These questions and words resonates very deeply in you. Actually, this sort of thinking has been invading your thoughts for a long time now. You are still looking for a satisfactory answer, aren't you? It might even be so bad that you aren't totally convinced that you want to continue going forward if this doesn't get resolved.

Who gets to decide who you are? You? Others? Circumstances? Fate? God? Is it random and unknowable? Do you ever feel that you were supposed to be more than what you are? You imagined life being very different than this and you don't know who to blame. Most likely, you blame your "lack" on your self. Or you are a victim. You could have been something- could a been a contenda... If only.

Fill in the blank. You had this dream of what you could have been, what you could have attained, if only...
If only your                        parents                                                    that sickness                                              the accident                   getting fired                               the dead end job                                     the person who betrayed you
the rape                            bad luck                                           choosing the wrong spouse                           wayward kids

and the list goes on and on and on.

When I first went to school, it didn't take long to realize that not everybody felt the same way about me that my family did. Some of the other kids didn't even like me! And I hadn't even done anything to them!
I was basically an average kid. Growing up, this message became even more firmly entrenched in my brain. I had two messages living in me. One was that I was lacking. I didn't measure up. I didn't have what it takes. I was lazy and not that bright. I was annoying and most people just tolerated me.
And then there was the other message. You are loved. You are special. You are supposed to be more... you could be...
But I didn't know how! It was vague and seemed ensconced in shadow. I am still not entirely sure what the end product looks like.
Maybe there isn't one. Maybe we are never finished growing and learning and becoming.