Josie
Despair. Failure. Shame. Weakness,
These were the things I lived with. It was as if these feelings had set up permanant residence in my head and heart. At times they would line up, as if they were taking turns, and make their presence known. Too often they would all show up at once, not content to wait to torment me.
See, this is what happens when you have to resign from a church. This is how you feel. Did I mention worthless? Yeah, might as well throw that one in there as well.
In September of 2002, I stood before, oh, I don't know, about 800 people and told them all why I was resigning. I wasn't "called by God" to go elsewhere. I didn't steal money. I didn't hurt anyone, well, at least not physically. To rectify that last statement, I did hurt a lot of people. I let a lot of people down.
I was a children's pastor at a large church in Des Moines, IA. Yup. I lived in Iowa for a handful of years back in the early to mid 2000's. When many people hear of Iowa, they think of one thing- corn. Right? Oh wait, maybe 2 things, corn and boredom. I will not argue this point with those who hold this opinion. Iowa is kind of boring. The best way to put it is this: Iowa is a great place to live but you wouldn't want to visit there. For those of you who would agree with that sentiment, even though you have never visited there, you would highly offend Iowans everywhere. You would, at least, if they cared what you thought. And trust me, they don't.
Your average Iowan is an interesting breed. I found them to painfully blunt and honest. In the south, people are often unflinchingly polite. They might say something bad about somebody, but they will always couch it with "bless his heart" or something inane like that. This is not how Iowans roll. They will state their opinion as they see it. And if you protest or wince a little, they will proclaim: "Well it's true!". Ah yes. The healing balm of stark truth.
Des Moines, Iowa is where I found myself moving in January of 2001. Moving my wife and 4 kids 500+ miles from Grand Rapids, Mi to the frozen tundra of the Iowan plains. Grand Rapids, where we only say mean things about you when you aren't around. Much more civilized.
I thought this would be my dream job. My career. Being a pastor was what I was supposed to do. Actually, calling it a career would actually disqualify you from many churches. It was more than that. It was a calling. A "destiny" if you are prone to be melodramatic (and I am). Just a few weeks after we got all moved in (on the coldest day in the history of the world) I stood before these fine Iowans and was introduced as their brand spankin' new children's pastor. I was excited. They were welcoming. We were excited to be there.
It lasted about a year and a half.
The image is burned into my mind. I am standing at the front of the church. I am telling the congregation of my own, very personal weakness. To take on some of an Iowans bluntness, I was addicted to porn. Just to clarify, since I know this is what enters some people's minds, it was only adult stuff. Others of you don't really understand why that would be much of a problem. Trust me though, when you are a pastor, the good Christian people don't think it is a good idea if you are viewing such things in your office. And rightly so.
The people sit in kind of a stunned silence. I have finished telling them of my sins. My father in law is half carrying my wife down the aisle. She is weeping. It is an intense moment, as you might imagine. She stands beside me. Someone in the congregation yells out: "We love you!". Tears form in my eyes. The rest I don't remember. We actually had to do that TWICE, cause they had 2 morning services...
In a crazy move, we decided to stay at the church. It was hard. But they were the only people in Iowa we knew. They were honest, as only Iowans can be, but they were also kind. And somehow, God started to reconstruct me and my marriage.
The first few months were full of pain, hope and humility. I kept having dreams that I was out in public but I only had my underwear on. It would be in many differnet places, but I always ended up almost naked. And it was my fault because for some reason I forgot to get dressed. Wonder what that represented? You don't need Frued to figure that one out.
It was only a couple of months after I resigned that I got a call from Josie's parents. Josie was one of the kids under my ministry. She was an absolute doll. She stole my heart the first time I saw her. When I met her she must have been about 5. She had long brown hair and big blue eyes. Using today's vernacular, Josie was "special".
Josie wasn't supposed to live. She was born with part of her brain missing. After she did live, the doctors told her parents that if she did live much longer, she would live in a comatose state. They were wrong, so very wrong. Don't get me wrong, when you met her, it didn't take long to realize she wasnt "normal". She didn't walk very well. She could only talk in a few words at a time.
Josie seemed to take a liking to me. When she saw me at church, she would often run up to me and give me a hug. I don't really care who I would have been talking to at the time, it could have been the president, or even the pope (although I'm not sure what he would have been doing in a pentecostal church- cut me some slack, I am just trying to think of important people) I would have stopped the conversation to talk to Josie. She would come up to me and want to show or tell me something. "Shoes! shoes!" she said once, pointing to her feet. Apparently she had just gotten new shoes and she wanted to show them off. I knelt down, got at her level and looked down at her new shoes.
"Oh, wow!" I exclaimed, "they are very pretty!"
I could see a spark of happiness and pride in her eyes and she toddled away. This was a typical Josie interaction, but I really enjoyed them. One of the few things I did enjoy as a pastor.
I was suprised to get the call from her parents. They explained to me that Josie had had some minor surgery. She was fine, but they wanted to know if I would come and visit her. They knew why I had resigned, but it didn't seem to discourage them from contacting me.
I wasn't even sure if was allowed to. I was under the church's restoration plan and I checked with them before I blew my nose. I checked, got the ok, and we set up a time for my wife and I to visit.
We had a good time at their house. Josie seemed happy to see me. She showed me her room andIi think I read her a story. My wife and I stayed for about 45 minutes, chit chatted with her parents a little bit, and then we said our goodbye's. It was a quiet ride on the way home (as many of our car rides were at that time). The visit partly reminded me of all that I had lost. It reminded me of the people I had hurt with my weakness and sin.
And as I often did during that time, I silently started talking with God.
No, I didn't hear Him speak audibly to me, but I do believe He responded to me. This is kind of how the conversation went.
Thanks God, I'm glad I got to do that. Thanks for using me again.
You're welcome.
What it is about Josie? Why does she capture my heart like that? You know I would run through a wall for her. If I ever saw anyone tease her I would want to tear them apart. Why does she effect me like that?
Because David, she is weak. But unlike most people she can't hide her weakness. It is on full display for all to see. You are drwn to her weakness and you love her all the more for it. You feel drawn to protect her and love her.
I see. That makes sense.
...pause...
Oh my son, don't you see?
David,
when I look at you...
I feel the same way...
LOVE your conversation with God. SO true. Thanks for sharing, Dave.
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