Runners are Nuts

There is a malady afflicting millions of people across America. We don't talk about it much, but we should. These people I am talking about are very ill, and they don't even know it. Most people would agree that the decisions this group of people make are very questionable at best. This group would have you believe that what they are doing is good, even healthy, but as we delve deeper into this problem, I think we will find that they are erroneous and even need our help. 

I am talking, of course, about runners. 

I met one today. I asked her how her day was, and she said, as bold as you will- without a HINT or remorse or shame- "I just got done running."

I reacted with the same disgust and horror as many of you did just be reading this. And you didn't even have the freak of nature before you when felt that! Of course I hid my feelings of revulsion, as it is not polite to express your dismay when encountering someone struggling with an obvious ailment. 

Despite my shock at the severity of her illness, I was also intrigued. Perhaps there was a logical solution. I pressed on, bravely I might add, as it is never a good idea to bandy wits with the insane. 

"On purpose?" I inquired- skillfully concealing how appalled I was. Seriously, what if this was contagious???

"Why yes", she replied. She smiled as she said it- I think she I thought I was joking, or maybe her grasp on her sanity was as slippery as trying to hold a fish. 

Ah, I thought, perhaps there is still hope...

Was someone chasing you?

no

Maybe something was chasing you? A dog perhaps? Or a rabid puma? 

No

Had someone dropped a snickers bar perchance? 

Nope. 

I was running out of logical options. 

Did you lose a bet? 

Uh-uh. 

This is when I realized she had a problem. She was a...runner. I immediately felt very sorry for her. She soon left, presumable to torture herself in some other demented way. Perhaps she was going to drive bamboo shoots under her fingernails while listening to country music. Or she was going to binge watch "Charles in Charge". 

I am willing to bet that she has a perfectly good couch at home. What has it done? Why does she scorn it so? What has it done to deserve her rejection? Instead of running in the heat, she could have been comfortably sitting on her comfy couch, in the air conditioning, eating ice cream. Or a pop-tart maybe. 

Yes, some of you have been seduced by runners. They talk about being healthy and all that nonsense. First of all, have you not ever seen those stories of people dying while running a marathon? Or while working out? You've seen them, right? When was the last time you saw a story about someone who dies eating fried chicken on their couch while watching Seinfeld reruns? NEVER!

And why take the risk? Wouldn't you rather die happy? Comfortable? Being entertained?

One of the things runners like to say is "Our sport is the punishment for your sport".

Yeah, like that's something to be proud of.

That's kinda like wanting to have diarrhea because it is "speed digesting".

YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT.  

Liking something everyone else hates doesn't make you cool, it makes you weird and scary. 

Let's be honest. When was the last time you saw someone running on the side of the road who was smiling as they ran? Just wait, you are going to look the next time you see a runner. They won't be smiling.

But what if they were?

How creepy would that be??!

You would instinctively be waiting for the sirens to start wailing in the distance. Who smiles when they run? NO ONE. 

Because it isn't fun. 

And don't even get me started on the lunatics who run in the dead of winter. 

They are beyond our help. 

But for now, let's recognize the plight of those around us who haven fallen prey to this insidious calamity. They deserve our sympathy.

And a few ho ho's.