How to be driven to the brink of insanity

A somewhat accurate re-accounting of a conversation I had. With a family member/friend.

Older, technology challenged person (OTCP): Hey, could you please help me log on to my bank site?

Me: (proceeding with trepidation- realizing the potential pit I am entering) Uh, sure... What's wrong?

OTCP: It won't work. I hate this site! It's always broken.

Me: It's worked for you before, right?

OTCP: Yes, but when I try the log on it won't work. Do you think the interwebs are broken?

Me: Uh, not to my knowledge. Let's see what's going on. Ok- it looks like it wants an identification code.

OTCP: Yes. It always wants that.

Me: Did you recently erase the cookies on your ipad?

OTCP: (blank look) I...don't....uh.....no?

Me: Ok, no problem, somehow your device lost the information it carried so that the web site recognized your device.

OTCP: … (I only get a blank stare in return, A stare so vacant it looks like it belongs on a Kardashian)

Me: Never mind, we can get you back up and running in no time!

OTCP: Good. What do we do?

Me: It wants an ID code. You have to tell the site where to send it.

OTCP: Oh! (with a slight hint of panic in their voice) Where do I send it??

Me: It really doesn’t matter. Just send it to your e-mail.

OTCP: But how does it know that?? Are they spying on me? Is this a government thing?

Me: No, it’s nothing like that. Look, it already knows your e-mail. It is listing that as one of the options of where to send it.

OTCP: Alright… Ok. Now it still says it wants an ID code.

Me: Yuuuup. It needs an ID code. Just like before.

OTCP: (panicked) But I don’t know what that is!!!

Me: I know you don’t, they just e-mailed it to you.

OTCP: But how did they know where to send it? I’m telling you, I don’t like this “Big Brother” stuff. Oh, do you watch that show? I saw it the other day and….

Me: (interrupting while ignoring the rabbit trail) Remember? You we JUST covered this. They already have it. You typed it in when you set yourself up on the site to do on-line banking.

OTCP: Oh.

Right. Now what do we do?

Me: You go to your e-mail and get the ID code.

OTCP: Ooooh. That makes sense. So my e-mail address is my ID code! (proud that they finally figured this out)

Me: WHAT?!?! NO! Your e-mail address isn’t the ID code, that’s where they SENT it. The ID code is just some numbers they sent to you so they can make sure it’s you logging in.

OTCP: Do I have to do anything special to get the e-mail?

Me: Why, what do you… Never mind. No. Just open it like any other regular e-mail.

OTCP: Ok. Here it is.

Pause…

Me: Um, what are you doing?

OTCP: I’m clicking on the number. It isn’t doing anything.

Me: Why would it be doing anything? What do you want it to do? Dance?

OTCP: No. I want it to get me into the banking interwebs.

Me: Right. I know that. But you have to go back to the banks interwe…. SITE and put the number in the box where it asks for the identification code. Does that make sense???

OTCP: Yes. You don’t have to be snippy about it.

Me: Sorry. Um, you might want to write down the ID code. (It briefly flashed through my mind to explain the voodoo practice that is “cut and paste” but I opted not to enter that particular vat of quicksand)

OTCP: Why?

Me: Cause…. You need it?

OTCP: For what?

Me: (internally- ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?????)

externally:
TO
ACCESS
THE BANK’S
WEB SITE

OTCP: Don’t they know that?

Me: HOW WOULD THEY KNOW THAT????

OTCP: They had my e-mail address didn’t they????

Me: Yes. They infiltrated your computer and stole your e-mail address. But sadly, their magic technology was unable to plug the number from your e-mail to the box on the screen. It is challenging, but you will have to put it into the little box yourself.

OTCP: Now you are being snotty.

Me: (taking a breath) I’m sorry. I just don’t understand why this is so hard?

OTCP: Me either! Why don’t they just make this easy?

Me: it is easy. So easy. I don’t see how it could be easier.

OTCP: It’s not easy to me.

Me: Yeah. Got that. Alright, put in the ID code.

OTCP: (starts typing)

Me: Wait, what are you doing? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ARE YOU TYPING YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS INTO THE ID CODE BOX!!!!!!!!

OTCP: Cause you said I needed my e-mail!!!!

Me: Are you trying to torture me??? Are there cameras around recording this???

OTCP: SO WHAT DO I PUT IN THE ID CODE BOX THEN????

Me: …. I …. just….. why…..there…..nothing….. ever….. madness….. (please God, please don’t let me get old)

Remember that number you wrote down?

OTCP: Yes.

Me: That said ID CODE!!?!?  

OTCP: Uh huh.

Me: THAT MIGHT BE IT.

OTCP: (a flash of understanding dimly shines deep in the recesses of their eyes) ohhhhh

Me: Yes. Yes. The number that said ID code goes in the box that asks for the ID code. It is ancient magic, but it works.

OTCP: Stop it.

Me: Sorry. Again. Ok, you got the number in there. Good. Now put in your password.

(they type it in, and push enter. not surprisingly, it doesn’t work)

OTCP: See! It’s broken.

Me: Did you put your password in?

OTCP: Of course! What else would I put in?

Me: Heaven only knows… I thought maybe you put your social security number in there.

OTCP: Oh! Is that what they need?

Me: NO NO NO. THEY WANT YOUR FREAKIN PASSWORD. If you put your e-mail address in the PASSWORD box, I swear by all that’s holy…

OTCP: No, I didn’t do that. I put in my password!

Me: May I ask WHICH password?

OTCP: The one for my e-mail!

Me: How are you even still alive? I have to go. For some reason I have a headache.

OTCP: I know! Computers do the same thing to me.

Me: Yes. That’s right. Darn computers.