The most recent failure

You blew it again. After promising that you wouldn't- You did IT again. You promised so many people. You said you were done. The last time was going to be the last time. For real. Except now there is a new "last time". Your promises feel like blowing on a dandelion- each promise like a different seed of hope- yet after the failure it's like watching each of those seeds float away- never to be seen again. Unsubstantial, lost and meaningless. The addiction- the sin- is the reality here. At least that is how it feels. 

You try- at least you think you do. But in this moment all you see and feel and hear is failure. You must try harder next time. But you tried to try harder and here you are again. In fact, you have been here so many times it is like a path a dog makes in a fenced in yard. Yet, you also refuse to quit. You keep at it- you dust yourself off and try again. For how can you give in? What stalks you will surely kill you if you give in. There is no doubt in your mind about this. it is fact. 

And there are those who depend on you! You must do it for them! For you can no longer do it for you. You? The tape recorder in your head tells you that you are, and always will be, a failure. And who are you to disagree? The failure is so fresh, so recent, that arguing against the disparaging messages feels extremely futile. You fear they are right. You feel that the best part of you is a lie or hopelessly lost. But you try to fight for them. For those who love you and believe in you. Because you know that each failure is another slap in their face, another blow to their belief in you. Another explosion rocking the foundation of your relationship with them. Soyoutryagain

I know what you do. I know what you try to do to prevent another failure. You are incredibly harsh to yourself. I can almost hear what you tell yourself- after the failure. 

You lousy, worthless piece of shit. How can you do this again???You must be a very special sort of stupid. What kind of person keeps doing the very thing they know is destroying them??? What a waste of time. LISTEN YOU IDIOT!!! You HAVE to stop doing this!! You will lose EVERYTHING if you continue!!!

And on and on and on it goes. You hope the self flagellation will cause enough pain that you will never, ever do this again. 

But it isn't working. 

Of course it isn't. 

Please hear me here-

Your cursing yourself is stemming from your brokenness. It is a type of brokenness. And brokenness can't heal brokenness. Pouring brokenness on top of brokenness doesn't lead to healing. Ever. 

You don't need to be more convinced that what you are doing is wrong. You've got that part down REALLY well. 

What you need to do is stop the destructive self talk. 

IT ISN'T HELPING. IT IS HURTING YOU. It is adding to your hurt. And your addiction was originally born out of your brokenness. Increasing your brokenness increases the hold of the addiction. 

I know you can hardly go to God with this. Surely he is sick and tired of you and your pleas for help. 

But you are wrong about that. Does he like what you are doing? Of course not. But he likes you. He loves you. When Jesus died for you, he didn't die for all the sins you have committed up to this point in your life. He also died for the ones you are GOING to commit. 

Shall we go on sinning then? You know the answer to that. 

But maybe, just maybe, you can stop the voices. Stop the self hatred. Try it. 

I'm sorry, but you are going to fail again. Especially with abusive self talk going on. 

See, I believe you can be free. It's really, really difficult and it can only be done in community and openness and vulnerability. It's going to take some time chief. 

Your progress isn't lost when you fail. Really. When you mess up at work do you have to go back to college to re-earn your degree? Of course not. Your recent failure didn't derail all your progress or learning. Being free isn't measured by how much time lies between your failures. It is measured by what is going on in your heart and soul. 

Go easy on yourself my friend. And if you need to talk to someone, i am here. Really.